According to recent data, the main cause of bad sleep for many Brits is stress and anxiety. And with the run-up to your wedding causing these feelings to surface, it is no wonder you might be struggling to get some much-needed dozing before your “I do’s”.
Paul Muersan at Lake District Country Hotels, says: “A wedding day requires a lot of energy. So, ensuring you get enough sleep the night before is crucial, but easier said than done. When you want nothing more than to see your partner, finding comfort in your new sleeping arrangement for the night is necessary.”
Debrief the plan
Getting to sleep at night can be difficult when there is a lot on your mind. And with the level of organisation and planning needed for a wedding, you might likely find it difficult to sleep due to the stress.
But ensuring you have everything planned and organised before you head to bed is essential for your sleep!
The day before your wedding can include stress over whether your wedding dress or suit is sorted. Or if your wedding venue is in the Lake District or somewhere that involves distance, you might have worries about transportation the next day or who will be travelling together.
Having some time to debrief with a loved one and run through your plans and timings for the next day can help. Not only will you know exactly when everything is expected to happen, but you know someone else does, too. So you can sit back and relax a little, knowing everything is taken care of.
How to sleep without your partner
The night before the wedding day can be a dreaded sleeping event for many couples as they follow the tradition of being apart. So, if you’re someone who prefers to be crawling up against your partner rather than star-fishing across your mattress, you might find it difficult to rest without someone there.
To help this, you can sleep with a pet beside you. This will give you the feeling of a full bed and help you sleep better. A change in routine, with something as simple as your partner not being there, can throw your pattern off. Filling this space with something comforting can help.
Photo by Adam Kuylenstierna on Unsplash
Or, why not ditch tradition and spend the night together? This can be an intimate moment between you and your partner as you spend your last night unmarried together.
Stay at home
Sleeping well can make the difference between a stressful day ahead and a good one. Bad sleep can lead to a lack of attention, increased stress, and mood swings. So, ensuring you get a full eight hours before your big day is essential.
But for many, sleeping in the wrong bed can actually cause more problems. Your home has all your comforts, so sleeping in your bed could be the solution to spending the night before your wedding day in a deep sleep.
In fact, 44% of people say they find it difficult to sleep in a bed that isn’t their own. So, if you have the choice of spending the night before at home, it might be worth it to help you get some much-needed ZZZs.
Add some luxuries
If you’re stressed, sleeping can become more difficult. And this is a vicious cycle if you’re worried about sleeping. But adding some luxuries into your routine the night before can make you look forward to jumping into bed before being wed!
Try adding silk pyjamas or bedding for the night. Not only will this add a splash of luxuriousness to your evening, but silk is good for your skin and hair – so you can be glowing on the morning of your wedding.
Face masks, hair masks, and moisturisers can also help add a bit of self-care into your pre-wedding night ritual while helping your skin look flawless the next day. For the added sleep benefit, you can add aromatherapy into the mix to smell fresh and feel relaxed.
Be in a routine early
Setting a routine for yourself well ahead of the big day can also help you find some shut-eye even when the excitement starts to build. A good sleep routine can involve winding down before heading to bed, as well as setting dedicated time for you to sleep and wake up.
It can take up to two weeks for a sleep schedule to change gradually. So, if you’re planning an early start on your wedding day, you might want to plan ahead. Getting some sleep a bit earlier than you usually do can help you wake up earlier without compromising sleep time.
This can help you wake up refreshed and ready for your wedding day instead of stressed, worried, and tired.
Sleep is essential for our everyday functioning, and it is even more important on your wedding day. It is a day full of excitement and energy, so making sure you’ve had enough shut-eye the night before can help you go the whole day without worry. But actually, getting to sleep before an exciting event is more difficult than you can imagine.
Planning ahead of time, sorting your sleep schedule, and adding a bit of pampered luxury into your bedtime routine can all help you get to bed before you wed.
Feature photos by Priscilla Du Preez ?? on Unsplash
What’s wrong with this phrase? “On my wedding day…”
You might say the answer is simple: that a wedding is never about one person. It should always be “our” wedding day.
You’re absolutely right. But there’s so much more –
- talking about “my” wedding suggests you’re doing everything
- which also implies, the person you’re marrying isn’t doing anything (or isn’t doing as much)
- are you taking too much on?
- will you be equal partners later? Why not start now?
Bridal inspiration, the bridal industry, Bride magazines…
I have also, for many years, worried that weddings and the media are far too focused on brides.
Not every wedding has a bride.
Not every bride wants to be the centre of attention on “her” wedding day.
And couples should be equal partners in everything: your wedding planning journey shouldn’t be made alone.
I was watching Sunday Brunch last weekend. Tim was laughing about a wedding where the groom had arrived, been taken aback by the ice sculptures his fiancée had arranged, and realised the wedding wasn’t remotely about him.
This feels so alien and wrong to me.
Perhaps this groom hadn’t been involved in the planning. Perhaps he’d chosen not to be. Perhaps his partner didn’t want him to be. Perhaps the industry is at fault, and it’s the media and everything associated with weddings from decor and stationery to family pressures, which subtly exclude grooms from what a wedding is perceived to be.
The guests on the show laughed at the banter around weddings being something a groom just turns up to, unknowing – as if he’s just one of the guests. Hearing it made me sad – far too heteronormative, and wrong on so many levels. It’s not always the case by any means: loads of couples are seeing the light and planning modern weddings together… but for so many weddings, one partner ends up doing the lion’s share of the work.
It feels really unfair, and if this resonates with you, I’m glad you’re here.
Are weddings too feminine for you?
They are for me. While I’m all for smashing the patriarchy in weddings I do think we overdose on pink and pretty sometimes.
Having a romantic, feminine wedding style is absolutely fine, and it looks beautiful – but only if that’s what you BOTH want.
But here’s the thing: in so many cases (and assuming just for once that we’re talking to couples with a woman and a man, because I feel this is where the issue really lies) women are responsible for most of the decisions with wedding styling and colour palettes, and so on.
Most times it’s from kindness: grooms-to-be will say “that’s more your thing, I’m happy with whatever colours / flowers you want!”
Often though, I believe women (in man/woman couples) end up taking the reins with wedding planning because men are made to feel excluded: by the wedding media (everything from TV to magazines, wedding shows, blogs and suppliers).
And that’s really not fair.
It’s also not healthy!
Planning a wedding is hard. It’s never a job for one person.
You might think, not to worry: (and again, forgive me – because I am assuming most people reading this will be women) you’ve got your best girls to help you out. They’ll be there for all the crafty stuff, dress fittings and you’ll have a wedding WhatsApp group going where you can get their opinions on all your ideas. You’re not really alone.
But this is your wedding. It should be for both of you, and it should be something you both plan together. Look at it from your other half’s perspective: if they’re not 50/50 in with you, why not?
Wouldn’t it be worth stopping for a moment and asking yourselves what you both want? It might not be a traditional wedding: but a party or celebration that’s really different and you can both get excited about planning, and the day itself!
I would love to see:
- far more gender neutral ‘stuff’ in weddings (colour pop, non-floral stationery; foliage more than florals; more masculine options for decor and colour palettes)
- weddings without so much ‘stuff’! What’s wrong with a sit-down meal in a favourite country pub without bringing your own flowers and napkins and place names to decorate the tables?
- wedding magazines aimed at couples (and while we’re here, NOT about selling you loads of stuff!)
Are weddings all about shopping?
I have a sneaky suspicion that women have been seen as an easy target by the big players in weddings over recent decades. The pink-covered magazines, the expensive mass-produced dresses and ‘fairytale’ dream wedding we’re all led to believe we aspire to.
Enormous brands have been built around the premise that weddings are a major occasion for selling to women. Dresses and venues fill the pages of wedding magazines, closely followed by every other product you could possibly consider for a wedding day, from polaroid cameras to cake stands and streamers. And if all of that is what you both want, then that’s wonderful… but if you’re being sucked in by the wedding media, and feel pressured to buy all the things, it’s not healthy. Step away.
How to plan your wedding as a couple: the first steps to take
Recognising when you’re feeling stressed and finding coping mechanisms that help you manage your feelings can help put the joy back into planning a wedding and a focus on your upcoming marriage.
1. Talk about how you’re feeling
Discussing your worries and stresses with your partner will help you to feel supported – most likely they will be experiencing the same feelings as you. Remember you are in this together.
2. Take time away from wedding planning
Wedding planning and admin can be all-encompassing. However, remember to take time away from wedding planning to focus on the people you love and activities you enjoy. Whilst it’s good to focus on your wedding, it’s healthy to take time away from planning to do other things you enjoy, such as exercising and seeing friends and family.
Spending quality time with your partner before your wedding will help to strengthen your relationship before you begin married life, as well as helping to identify what is truly important in your relationship.
For more advice, if you’re feeling the pressures of wedding planning, read our blogs from the wedding and mental health experts at Bupa.
We read this article over on 166 Photography and were bowled over by its refreshing honesty and helpfulness. It’s kind of alarming how none of the wedding media seem to prioritise mental health in their messaging, and that needs to change. Studies have found that 70% of engaged couples or newlyweds described the process of planning a wedding as “extremely stressful”, and identified the top 5 emotions while planning a wedding to be:
- Excited
- Happy
- Stressed
- Overwhelmed
- Anxious
So let’s start by saying if you’re feeling any of this, you are far from alone. Wedding planning puts our mental health under pressure, and most couples go through some or all of this. And that’s ok.
This blog will show you ways to prioritise your mental health during wedding planning, allowing you a little space to enjoy the planning experience and look forward to your big day.
All images in this blog post are by Carl at 166 Photography in Lincolnshire
Carl at 166 Photography spoke to Jonathan from Garden Room Counselling for this article. Jonathan owns the beautiful intimate Lincolnshire wedding venue The Elm Tree, and is a trained counsellor and mental health specialist.
Wedding planning isn’t easy
Be kind to yourself and remember it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Planning a wedding is a big deal. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions that impact your mental health. It’s almost like adding another full time job on top of everything you’re already juggling in life. And that’s hard – so set realistic expectations for yourselves – you’re only human.
You might feel like everyone is watching and waiting to hear all about your big day. With worries about your loved ones’ opinions of your wedding, and that oh-so-subtle pressure from every wedding blog and social platform showing you their perception of “perfect” weddings, it’s easy to see why so many couples are majorly stressed out by wedding planning.
From the outside, it seems everyone else just sees the “happy and exciting” side of wedding planning – so you might worry about what they’ll think if you show any sign of frustration or upset during the process. You shouldn’t have to bottle those negative feelings up inside.
Jonathan says instagram and Pinterest can mean people lose sight of the most important things. “Social media pressures can leave people feeling they ‘have to’ or ‘ought to’ do something; they see what in their eyes is this perfect wedding, whilst they are forgetting the fact that the most important part of their own wedding is the union of two people.”
It’s normal to feel stressed, anxious or depressed about wedding planning
I’m guessing everyone’s told you how exciting planning your wedding will be… but I wonder if even one person’s asked how you’re feeling? If no one asks about your mental health, you might assume it’s not normal to be feeling overwhelm, anxiety or worse. But it really is. You shouldn’t have to hide your feelings – and you don’t have to.
From the initial excitement of saying ‘yes’ when you agree to marry each other, stress triggers can come rushing at you pretty fast. Looking into wedding logistics with dates, venues, suppliers and finances can cause major overwhelm. It’s not uncommon for a sense of dread to creep in – what if something goes wrong? What if we choose the wrong venue / photographer / time of year?
Without meaning to, friends and family can overburden us with well-meaning (but unsolicited) advice. Too many opinions can lead to overwhelm (and arguments). Jonathan has this advice:
“People, family and friends, are not mind readers; they might notice that you are getting stressed, but help them understand what it is like for you right now. Rather than them telling you what you need to do, ask them to use phrases such as ‘What is it you need right now?’ Or ‘What would you like me to do?’ Rather than them giving you more instructions and therefore contributing to the feelings that you are out of control, instead, it makes you feel supported.”
The hardest parts of wedding planning
Guest lists are a gateway to family political dramas, and can often lead to upset or arguments. Talk through who to invite as a couple, before even mentioning your guest list to family and friends. Standing strong together on this will serve you well.
Carl says, “I wish there was some magic formula here. A simple couple of paragraphs in this blog post that will solve your dilemmas. Unfortunately, there isn’t. Not inviting people to weddings can lead to arguments and upset… The best advice is to be mindful of others’ feelings but be assertive. If your family has ideas of who you should invite, you should find time to sit down as a couple and talk with them.”
Guest lists are more than just a list of names: they’re the key factor in how much your wedding will cost – and budgets are one of the hardest aspects of wedding planning. Especially during the current cost of living crisis, weddings can take up a huge chunk of your earnings or savings – and this affects all the non-wedding things in your lives. It’s natural to worry, it’s normal to argue, and it’s ok for either or both of you to struggle with financial stress.
How to spot the signs of stress
There are 3 key warning signs that you may be suffering from stress when planning your wedding:
Physical symptoms: headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
Emotional symptoms: anxiety, irritability, or depression. These symptoms aren’t always easy to spot, but if you’re procrastinating, or dreading wedding planning tasks, this could be why.
Behavioural symptoms: avoiding social occasions so you don’t have to do wedding chat, drinking more as a coping mechanism when you’re planning.
Perhaps reading this will help you recognise these signs early and look after yourself (and / or your partner). Consider taking a planning break or talking with a close friend or family member. You may even want to speak with a neutral third party, such as a counsellor.
“I always say to my clients, notice what changes are happening within the body” Jonathan says, “sadly no behaviour is isolated and there is always a reason for it.”
“Are you struggling to concentrate? Are you becoming more snappy or irritable? Do you find it hard to sit still and become more restless? Are you lacking in energy? Feeling yourself getting more headaches? Are you feeling sick or lacking in appetite? All of these can indicate you are starting to struggle and it is really important that you notice these changes and try to act before they become overwhelming.”
Can you minimise the stress of wedding planning?
The things that happen can be out of your control, but there are some simple but powerful ways you can help yourselves.
Practice Mindfulness (make this a regular thing – try apps like Calm or Headspace)
Turn off Insta (because it’s full of high-budget, picture perfect and unachievable wedding inspiration – and too much can be a bad thing.)
Plan Non-Wedding Time With Your Partner (Remember why you’re getting married – a little perspective goes a long, long way)
Talk to Someone (perhaps someone who isn’t invested in your wedding, or a professional)
“If you are feeling the joy and happiness of planning the wedding is ebbing away, then talking to a neutral party can always help. As with all therapy the importance of a relationship is key – you have to feel comfortable. Remember, nothing is ever silly or daft. If it is bothering you then it is important!
“There is a great directory of therapists called counselling directory – does what it says on the tin! On here you can find therapists that are near to you and you can usually have a free initial chat with them before starting to see if they are going to be the right fit for you!” ~ Jonathan
How to mentally prepare for your wedding day
Before Your Wedding Day
1 Talk With Family Members About Their Behaviour
If you are concerned about the behaviour of a family member, sit down and talk with them. Be honest and open and tell them why you are worried. Communication can really help.
2 Have an Anxiety Action Plan
Have an ally who understands – it could be your partner, sibling or friend. Together, come up with an action plan for if you do become overwhelmed. (A way to escape for 5 minutes of peace if you need it, or a little hug and a quiet “you got this”)
3 Drink Plenty of Water & Eat Good Food
Your body needs clean, healthy fuel! Hydrate and nourish yourself with 5 a day good stuff.
4 Limit Alcohol the Night Before
You want to wake up feeling good – a hangover isn’t a good idea before a 16+ hour wedding day!
On Your Wedding Day
1 Make Time for Breakfast
Something to kick-start your metabolism will help your physical and mental well-being, preparing you for the big day ahead.
2 Stay Hydrated
You can’t go wrong with water! Don’t overdo the Prosecco or pre-wedding beers! Save them for later – you’ll be glad you did.
3 Breathe
Familiarise yourself with some breathing techniques to calm you when overwhelm or anxiety strike. Check out the technique for box breathing on Carl’s blog post here.
4 Make time for Mindfulness
If you have been practising mindfulness on the run-up to your day, taking 5 mins in the morning can be a powerful way to help reduce on-the-day anxiety.
5 Spend a little time together
Weddings go by in a blur. So many couples we’ve featured on English Wedding say they took a little time out, just for the two of them, and they were so glad they did. Your photographer can be your ally here, if you need someone to whisk you away from the party.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Remember, it is OK for you to feel overwhelmed and anxious when planning your wedding.
You can do this and we promise you, your wedding day is going to be amazing! Both before your wedding, and on the day, take time for your mental health and be kind to yourselves – both of you.
Here are Carl’s six top tips for looking after your mental health when planning your wedding.
- Remember it’s OK not to be OK.
- Listen to your body.
- Be assertive and communicate well.
- Take a break from social media.
- Drink water and eat well.
- Almost every couple feels uncomfortable having their photo taken (even those who say they don’t) – and that’s ok!
And if something goes wrong? Nobody will notice and it will not ruin your day. Practice your inner Elsa and let it go.
We wholeheartedly recommend reading Carl’s original article about wedding planning stress – there’s much more in there to help you. Share it with your partner too – talking to each other about the stress of planning a wedding is an important first step.
