How I help my couples choose rituals and moments to make their wedding ceremony unforgettable: Ceremonies with Rachael
As a Yorkshire-based Humanist wedding celebrant, I hear one phrase a lot from couples at the start of their wedding planning journey: “We’ve never been married before, so we don’t know what we want in our wedding ceremony, but we know we want it to feel like the heart of the day, not something people have to endure to get to cocktail hour!”
It’s a privilege to share my wedding knowledge with them, and guide them in making choices that feel right for them both, resulting in a wedding that feels like them.
Where it all starts – the conversations I have with every couple
Your wedding ceremony deserves as much careful consideration as your venue or your photography. It is the thing that sets the tone for the whole wedding day, and, if done right, will create memories you’ll treasure as a couple.
When I first meet with couples, we talk about what they like and dislike about weddings they have been to. I try to understand what excites them about marrying this person, and also any anxieties they may have about being the central focus of a large gathering.
Knowing what kind of vibe they are hoping for – whether they want their wedding to feel relaxed, uplifting, playful, joyful, calm, or a combination of those qualities – influences the ideas I suggest.
Knowing that a couple values simplicity and honesty will lead me to place special emphasis on my storytelling and the words I use to describe their love, and I might encourage them to write their own vows (with my support of course!).
Rachel Burt Photography: Ellen + Pete’s festival wedding with toast and surprise brass band, at Townend Farm, East Yorkshire
If a couple say they want a festival-feel wedding ceremony to start their party off, I might suggest group singing to a meaningful and fun song and drinking a toast as part of their wedding ceremony.
Beyond wedding rings: rituals for modern lovers
Rituals matter because they give an ‘anchor’ to the transformation taking place during the wedding ceremony, and they explain things in a visual way that simply expresses more than words alone ever could.
Almost all of the couples I work with choose to exchange wedding rings as part of their wedding ceremony. This is a classic tradition present in many cultures and thought to date back 3000 years to Ancient Egypt.
Modern couples might add to the symbolism of a ring exchange by pairing it with a ring warming ceremony, where the couple’s wedding rings are passed through all guests’ hands and they are invited to infuse them with good wishes, taking them from a cold piece of metal to something that is literally and metaphorically warm.
The tradition of having a best man or page boy deliver the rings can be adapted into a ‘random ringbearer’, where the rings are carefully hidden under a guest’s chair at random, and whoever sits in that chair becomes the ringbearer. This playful twist emphasises the importance of all wedding guests, creating a moment of shared participation and connection.
Handfasting, unity candles, loving cups and more
Amy Faith Photography – Tasha + Raef’s handfasting at Gray’s Court, York
Handfasting is an ancient tradition which was once widespread across Britain. Handfasting means making a binding promise while holding hands. Originally a form of engagement, handfasting has since developed into a ritual where couples have cords or ribbons placed on their clasped hands and either tied in an eternity knot or with a little theatrical flourish, they move their hands apart creating a knot.
Amy Faith Photography – Tasha + Raef’s handfasting at Gray’s Court, York https://amyfaithphotography.com/
This practice continued longer in Ireland and Scotland, and so I often suggest it to couples with a Celtic background. Handfasting can be a great opportunity to involve family members and friends, who can place cords on the couple’s hands while giving them good wishes or advice, and the fabrics can be chosen to represent the couple’s identity or elements they will value in their marriage.
Jules Barron – Emmy + Bell’s loving cup with homemade mead at Danby Castle Barn, near Whitby
The quaich or loving cup is another popular Scottish tradition in which the couple drinks from a two handled cup. Usually filled with whisky (though you can drink whatever you wish!), the couple take three sips symbolising their shared past, present and future. Involving the groomsmen or bridesmaids in the pouring the whisky adds to the fun – choose your pourer wisely!
Unity candles create a solemn moment in a wedding ceremony. The couple use two smaller candles to simultaneously light a larger candle symbolising the coming together of their two lives. For families with older children, this ritual can be adapted so they can be involved and I like to add bespoke words that perfectly reflect their unique relationship.
Wine box rituals, sometimes called wedding time capsules, are a simple way to capture the moment and carry it through to your future. Before the wedding, each partner writes a letter to their fiance explaining how they feel about their marriage and how and why they love them.
During the ceremony, this is put into a box with a good bottle of red wine and ceremoniously nailed shut by the couple – a fun thing to do if you’re a DIY addict or a tradie! The box is reopened on the couple’s fifth wedding anniversary and they can drink the wine together, read the letters and remember how they felt on the eve of their wedding.
James Hicks Photography – Abi + Jack’s winebox ceremony at Eden Barn, Lake District
This is a gorgeous idea for couples who don’t like the thought of making personal promises in front of an audience but who still want to do something personal.
Introducing surprises into your wedding ceremony
A Humanist wedding ceremony has a very loose structure, which gives complete freedom to do whatever feels right for the couple. I love working with couples who want to surprise their guests and each other.
Surprises can be poetic, such as a bride or groom performing a self-penned poem about their other half, or some very chill couples even let their friends surprise them with a secret poem or musical performance. In these scenarios, it’s definitely a plus having a qualified celebrant decide how the surprise would work best!
Claire McClean Photography – Jen + Phil’s singalong at The Sun Pavillion, Harrogate
Many couples write their own personal wedding vows, with my support. Working with a celebrant allows them to keep their words secret from each other and always injects a moment of pure emotion to the vows! Some couples even trust me to write an entire ceremony script as a surprise for them, which really heightens the emotion of the ceremony.
Surprises can be a bit silly, such as playing ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ to decide who goes first saying their vows – this helps relieve the tension for nervous couples as well as just being fun!
Surprises can also be big and dramatic, like sneaking a marching band into the ceremony to lead the wedding procession onto the next part of the celebration. Including an element of the unexpected keeps the guests guessing what will happen next, keeping them engaged and making for a more memorable experience.
My advice for couples who don’t know where to start
Joel Skingle Photography – Elena + Ebbie’s rock paper scissors ring exchange and personal vows at Swinton Estate near Ripon
Start by talking to each other to understand how you both feel about your ceremony, what you want the vibe to be and any worries you have. This will help you when you start talking to wedding celebrants.
If you’re interested in finding out more about using creative rituals in your Humanist wedding ceremony, feel free to reach out. I love hearing about couples’ ideas, listening to their love story and guiding them in creating a wedding ceremony that amplifies their love, their values and their story and is memorable for all the right reasons.
About the blogger
Ceremonies with Rachael is a UK Humanist celebrant living in Yorkshire. Active since 2020, she works closely with couples to create highly-personalised wedding ceremonies that capture their story and values while engaging their guests.
www.ceremonieswithrachael.com
instagram.com/ceremonieswithrachael
Humanist celebrant Ceremonies with Rachael, photographed by Jenna Kathleen
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